Posts Tagged ‘Confession’

I am feeling a bit depressed for the first time in a while. It is rather interesting that even through all the crap I have been through lately, I have managed to remain very optimistic, positive, and excited about the future. I may as well take this opportunity to let my melancholy state fuel my drive for writing and update you all on my recent developments. Yes, I am VERY far behind.

Living within my means is going well for the most part. I could make a laundry-list of things I no longer “require” to live with each day. I love not having a vehicle, as long rides on public transportation can be rather enjoyable if you relax into it, people-watch, and strike up conversations. I intentionally do not bring a music player, rarely read, and do not tinker on my phone while using public transportation. I know this will be a shock to hear for those that know me personally, but I no longer even use sun-glasses or contacts. This vampire is getting a lot of natural light! With no sunblock ever in AZ I might add.

The limitation of being out in Chandler with no car has made for great opportunities connecting deeper with my friends and partners. I often need a place to stay, and when I do stay at friends/partners places I always find a way to thank them. Doing dishes, cooking, being a great house-guest, bringing something to share etc. Once again my mission has always been interdependence, not dependence or independence.

Not having an I.D. has been a bit restricting. I must admit that a part of my depression I am experiencing right now relates to the list of events I have been and will soon miss out on. Logically I know they are idol indulgences I am better without regardless, but emotionally I know I am missing out on opportunities to connect with more like-minded people, grow closer with friends, and have fond memories.

My plan of not having an I.D. but still being able to go to events by knowing or working for said clubs/events is going relatively well. I have a few vending opportunities lined up, and more coming in the future. However still there are just so many events going on right now (as Oct-Dec is usually the busiest time of the year), and I am not yet able to manifest opportunities to help or vend at them quick enough. I do realize I very well could be more pro-active and make this more possible, and I have a number of ideas to do so. It is a balancing act managing my time at this point.

I have finally set up most of the networks I need to promote my businesses/projects. I am yet to lay out the links/screenshots on this network, but it has been on my to-do list for a while now. Thus on facebook you can find a slew of professional business pages which are actually mine. Some days I do gardening consulting, some days I house-sit, some days I do marketing consulting, some days I am designing a logo, some days I am coordinating photo-shoots, and some days I am building websites. All of these combinations (and many more) means of generating income are at my disposal now. In essence I have branded most all my talents and/or skills into neat packages to offer to the world. All of them I accept local exchange credits for, which again ties in nicely with my morals, ethics, and mission.

The most involved project/business is Primal Talent Enterprises, LLC. I am a Talent and Model Agent for Models and Entertainers. Essentially I am taking my years of experience with marketing consulting, graphic design, network marketing, and business development for Small Businesses and Non-Profits and applying it to Individuals instead. I still run Catalyst Connections on the side, but I no longer canvass brick & mortar businesses. I work with Entertainers and Models in the Eclectic and Alternative communities. This includes “burners”, “hippies”, “Goths”, “kinksters” and other alternative folks. I have a number of amazingly talented friends, and I am empowering each of them as much as I possibly can.

It is going rather well, as I have a business partner and a VERY impressive group of friends that are playing a very active role with this project. I have not had something this promising since 4 or so years ago in Tucson with Tucson Life Cache. However this project will actually generate a lot of income (alternative currencies and USDs which will nearly all be re-invested in other projects), as well as make a positive impact. Related to Primal Talent Enterprises is the Eclectic Interdependent Alliance of AZ, which is a great way to connect business professionals within this niche together, using interdependence to reach a mutual goal. EIA of AZ is another perfect way to align my morals and ethics into something that can be powerful financially as well. I still utilize 4 Elements Phoenix the local exchange system, and down the road I will be integrating the Black & Blue Bills into EIA of AZ and Primal Talent Enterprises. I am also still very active in barter networks, and often bring those I barter with into 4EP and/or other projects.

I must admit some of my depression right now is also related to the drag I feel within this business. My friend and business partner is not nearly pulling her weight. I feel so torn and conflicted about this, and know I should not “let” her effect me emotionally about this and move on to one of my many back-up plans. However I really WANT to have her be a part of this. She has so much potential and light within her that I know just how much she needs this opportunity in her life. However logically that decision can only come from her, and I have to be honest with myself about that.

In essence I think this relates in a big way to fear. Fear that I will have to go this alone, or continue dragging someone else along for the ride. I also fear loosing her, as well as other friends. This fear between her and this business, and my past and future is woven very tightly. I can see a number of my old friends backing away from me after starting this business, which I figured might be the case. I know logically I have to remain looking forward and keep my arms open to all the amazing people that are falling into my life instead of crank my neck backwards to all those I love and am loosing. However this process is a really tough yet necessary.

Thus this feeling of loosing friends/partners/lovers has me thinking about my ex wife. I know loosing her is a huge mistake in a way. Right now I could REALLY use someone to just hold me while I cry. Get it all the fuck out instead of holding it inside. Interestingly enough taking conscious, grounded, decided effort to remain positive and optimistic all this time has actually been very exhausting. I know I will never have her back in my life the same as it was, and I have been prepared to accept that reality. However it still hurts very much. To see such a beautiful creature loose sight of her passions and purpose in life. However it is not my place to make such judgments, or push my view of purpose on someone else. We simply do not see eye to eye anymore, and that is fine. As ironic as the entire situation is, I can somehow find solace in it all. Albeit it is a struggle to do so presently, but that truth is there.

I am truly at a loss of what to do right now. I am aware of my usual patterns from the past of emotionally eating, or spending hours online searching for new partners to “fill” an emptiness and loneliness. However doing either of those things right now don’t appeal to me logically even if they do emotionally. I suppose it is testament to my progress that at present I am not depressed enough to fall into the same patterns, however now I am left sort of… confused. An emotional limbo or purgatory or sorts, that is rather dizzying.

Alas this is my present coping mechanism. I have been so productive lately that even in the midst of depression I can find a way to be productive by updating you all on my recent developments. While remaining transparent and honest in the process, which in truth is a bit hard.

I know what I need to do to pull myself out of this… I need to get my head-space in the right place. Watch something inspiring, or do something creative. Take that agonizing effort to pull myself out of it, and get back to work. However it has dawned on me that perhaps what I do need is to not beat myself up so much. When you are your own boss, and run your own business(es) it is common to over-work yourself. Reflecting back I have not had a “day off” in a long time, and perhaps what I need to get myself in the right place mentally and emotionally is to give myself a break.

And cry.

However enveloped in a warm embrace has always been a much easier space for me to be vulnerable in… Currently the tears well-up, but do not cascade. I could call a number of people right now, but my selfless nature has me putting myself on the back-burner to their nightly routine.

I find myself missing all those beautiful woman throughout my life I have had the pleasure of knowing. Of being close to. Of being a part of. Of being inside of.

Again I am reminded how fortunate I am to have had so many beautiful people in my life. As well as all the beautiful people I presently have in my life. And all the beautiful people I will soon have in my life.

The pendulum must swing both ways.
Thus the pendulum begins swinging back again.

Thank you.


Emo moment

Posted: August 5, 2012 in Action, Blog
Tags: , , , , , ,

I rarely do this, but wanted to step outside my comfort zone a little bit and be vulnerable to you all. I am feeling rather alone in nearly everything right now. I know I have the love and support of my friends and family, but in truth that is not enough.

If you ever wanted to see a world with no pollution, crime, jails, corruption, cruel and manipulative governments and corporations, widespread poverty, disease, and chronic depression… Make it happen. Stand the hell up for what you believe in, and start changing the world. People like myself CAN NOT do it alone.

Even if your clictivism is all you can muster, then share this page. Click the little icon below and get a conversation going online. Leave a comment below. Even these small steps are better then nothing at all.

I have spent my life creating amazing projects, organizations, and businesses. Just about any single person I share said manifestations with is happy for me, and proud of the great work.

However I am simply one human being. What I create is a movement. A new way of live for every single breathing and existing thing on this planet. Not every single one of us can sit back and wait for “someone else” to create that world. If we all do that, the world I speak of will never come to fruition.

Take a stand. A stand for your family, for future generations, for those that presently suffer, and those that might fall victims in the future should apathy continue to take hold.

You owe this to yourself.

Don’t simply live a life, make a life of living.
– XenitH

LOTS of action lately!

First I want to thank all my readers for checking out my page! On July 21st I had 160 page views! Collectively I have had a total of 868 page views! Not too bad for a page that has only been up a couple months and sporadic internet access to build the website on.

Once again, thank you.

I also want to make mention of all the new pages I have added over the last couple of days, so you don’t miss a thing.

Click away!

  • Mailing list
  • Propaganda
  • Interviews
  • Exchanges
  • 4EP
  • The mailing list is a great way for you to stay up-to-date with all my activity. I only send out emails through this list periodically, and I never share lists.

    My new Propaganda page has some of the images many of you know and love from my facebook network. Please feel free to share the images by using the share icons near the bottom of the Propaganda page.

    The interviews page is where I will have most of my media and articles presented. I have one interview up from not too long ago, which is rather revealing. I hope you enjoy it.

    In the Exchanges page you will see some items that I have as offerings to the community in trade, barter, or local exchange credits.

    the 4EP page is an example of one (of 4) local exchange systems I have developed. The others are in the works, and I will be sure to provide many more resources in the future.

    I have also been building another website for a business venture myself and my business partner are undertaking. Much more on that to come.

    I still intend on writing thorough reviews on Surthrival, Eco-nuts, Survive a food crisis, and Greengeeks in the near future.

    Once again keep those comments coming! You are my inspiration!